Recently The Writers Place in Kansas City asked me to teach a workshop. And I said yes! Here are the details:

PITCHING, QUERYING AND SUBMITTING: WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT SENDING IN YOUR WRITING

Saturday, 10/25, 2 – 4 PM 

Teaching Artist: Rita Arens 

What separates a good essay from a viral essay? What do you need to know before you query an agent with your memoir? How much can you expect to make with online publishing? Bring your questions and your query letters for this hands-on session. 

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER: $40 nonmembers / $30 members 

You must have a current membership to enroll at the member rate. Click here to join or renew.

Tell all your friends! 

I have only an extremely marginal understanding of relational databases. I remember being introduced to the concept of a foreign key, which basically controls all the values that reference it.

I understand foreign keys like this: If humans are the most intelligent species on the planet, then X, Y, Z.

What if elephants are smarter? The whole string falls apart. (Again, I may be butchering the true definition, but stay with me.)

So. White privilege is kind of a foreign key. I think the reason so many white people have denied white privilege is because they are afraid of what that would mean if their whole worldview has been with or without their knowledge predicated on an invalid foreign key.

What if rap music is no more dangerous than blasting Brahms?

What if a resting expression is just a resting expression, no matter what color the face?

What if tall is just a genetic trait and doesn't have a inherent relation to aggression?

What if people are only dangerous or stupid because they really are dangerous or stupid?

What if there is no way to tell from looking at a person if he or she is friend or foe? What if you couldn't be scared by a hoodie?

What if we've been fooled by selective history?

What if the foreign key is invalid?

The whole system collapses. And only then can we rewrite the logic to represent all possibilities, and not just the prevalent one.

Question everything.

I start out slow, every time. My feet tend to cross over. I have the uneven soles to prove it. After a stress fracture, I realized I was doing it, so now I force my feet what feels like miles apart but is really just normal as I strive to feel my feet hit straight on their balls. Thwap, thwap, thwap.

My neighborhood is hilly. The first hill always burns, but my thighs warm then on the downhill and the run starts to even out. I feel the blood rush to my legs. Hello ladies, who is here? Roll call.

When the sweat comes, it tickles first. It itches. I scratch my head under my hat until it starts to flow, soaking into the short hairs at the nape of my neck. The sweat trickles slowly at first until it runs strong and is just part of me.

When the humidity is close, I feel it try to strangle me. I breathe carefully, siphoning the air. It comes only with effort, and my legs scream for what it brings, oxygen. Relief.

The uphills now, they're like biking. After I met my husband, he taught me to conserve energy, to shift down with the same energy. Running is like that. The humidity is a hill, and I have to shift down just to keep moving.

The heat is an animal looking for my jugular.

I turn away.

Sometimes, when it's so hot, I realize I could go down. I'm forty, and it's over 90 degrees, and my husband is traveling on a job. There is nobody here but me to take care of her. You can't run through heat.

But I want to. I'm annoyed I didn't start this when I was young and stronger. But I'm her mother. I can't go down. I slow.

Last weekend I caught a break and caught a good eight miles around a lake in my hometown at 73 degrees. The aged farmers gathered for the tractor parade stared me down as I went lap after lap. They didn't understand why I would do this run. I didn't understand why they would do that parade.

Maybe we all just wanted to feel young and relevant.

"I'm glad I had lunch with you guys today," I said. "I'm having trouble with my anxiety because of what's happening in Ferguson."

That we were well into our lunch was not lost on me. It's all I can think of when I see other people: that I want to talk about it, that it's like the sixties out there, that it's still happening and so many white people still think the protests are unfounded at worst or an overreaction at best. But I didn't immediately launch into it because of my white privilege. I wanted to talk about it but I waited for my window, even knowing these friends felt the same way that I did about it all. Because I wasn't positive they'd want to talk about it. 

She asked me why I didn't write about the anxiety. I thought to myself because Stacy Morrison already did it so well, and also because I don't want to co-opt the pain for myself when it is not my pain. My pain is watching their pain, and it seems selfish to claim my pain. I didn't say that part, though. I don't know why.

---

I feel like I felt after Hurricane Katrina when I saw all those black people standing on bridges, shielding their babies from the hot sun, squished into that dome, stuck.

Just. Stuck. 

And then white people focused on any little bad thing those black people did while they were stuck instead of pulling them out faster.

---

She called me this morning to say she'd been thinking of our conversation. We'd talked about how there is racial tension and even genocide going on all over the world. We'd talked about the Holy Land and Ukraine. We talked about this again, and I wanted to cry and I said, "But this is happening HERE. This is my country and we are supposed to be better than this. We get up on our high horse and police the world but look at this."

She said yes. And the Declaration of Independence was written by a slave owner. 

And we sat with that, we white ladies. 

---

She told me this ability to feel is a gift. And it is, it's what helps me to write this post and the novel about the girl with anorexia and a lot of other things that were so raw and hard to write about. I know that it is a gift. That I can't look away sometimes becomes a problem when I let it paralyze me from taking useful action. Someone very smart who works with a population who have had it very rough told me you have to let it flow through you. You can't let it stop with you. You just have to open yourself up and feel it and show it to others. 

Here. Here is the pain. 

Credit: Debra Sweet on Flickr, Creative Commons -- Howard University

It's about Mike Brown, but it's also about all of it, everything. Being followed, being pulled over, being misrepresented on the 6 o'clock news, being told what you can and can't wear, being told to hunch so you don't look threatening, having to produce ID when the white woman in front of you didn't have to, having your receipt checked with a side-eye. I don't have all the links and if I go looking for them I might not have the energy to push publish, so please believe me that those posts are real and those things really happened to people who are not white.

I say a lot that I took the red pill six years ago when Kelly Wickham asked me why there were no black people in SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. The whole event knocked me so hard on my ass I could barely get back up. It was like seeing scaffolding where before I saw buildings. I saw what is underneath, what is not part of my daily experience, both the overt and the covert. 

---

Sometimes I try to talk about race with white people in my daily life, and I see their mouths tighten and their eyes glaze over and I know that they will turn away because they can, because the ability to not talk about it is white privilege. It's not getting into the best school or getting the best job, it's getting to ignore things that happen to people who aren't white. It's not having to care.

---

People say to me all the time it'll change with this new generation, that they aren't like us. I don't know, though. Don't you suppose people in the sixties said that about their kids? 

How many times does a little white girl have to watch the news or read the paper before she's scared of black men?

---

After 9/11 I developed a racist fear of brown men. At the time, I worked with dozens of brown men from India. Every time I got on a plane and saw brown men, I had to tell myself, just like Rajeev. Just like Rajeev. Just like Rajeev. I had to root my thoughts in a brown man I knew and liked and trusted, one of many, but the one I chose.

What if you don't know a black man?

---

These are my thoughts as I sit down I-70 a few hundred miles from the protests that continue in Ferguson. Once you take the red pill, you don't get to go back to absently pinning bento boxes and pretending a black body didn't lie on the pavement for four hours less than two weeks ago. 

Once you take the red pill, you have to let the pain flow through you. 

HERE IS MY PAIN.

Happy Monday everyone, I hope you had a wonderful weekend! We were all about local and spent all day Saturday hanging out with friends in the neighborhood and then enjoyed a lovely day trip to Gloucester yesterday. So spectacular (even with ominous cloud cover), and Vi definitely responds to the expansiveness of the sand and ocean! Meanwhile, there's tons on tap for this week; enjoy this monster Weekly Blueprint:

August 18: Provincetown Jazz Festival. (Provincetown)

August 18: Unwind with some free yoga. (Boston)

August 19: Celebrate National Aviation Day. (Acton)

August 19: FREE kids performance by Stacey Peasley. (Boston)

August 19: Uh oh! The squirrel stole my underpants. (Cambridge)

August 19: Grow, build and learn about historical architecture and design. (Waltham)

August 19: Twilight canoe cruise. (Wellfleet)

August 19 + 20: Late summer arts and crafts show. (Eastham)

August 19 + 21: Performance by Berklee musicians Lady Rogo. (Boston)

August 19 - 24: The Marshfield Fair. (Marshfield)

August 20: Landmarks Orchestra presents Rhapsody in Green. (Boston)

August 20: From farm to fork late summer crop dinner. (Concord)

August 20: It’s time to play in the park. (Lincoln)

August 20: Grow, build and learn about historical architecture and design. (Lincoln)

August 20: Time to learn about peaches. (North Andover)

August 20: Nauset marsh family cruise. (Orleans)

August 20: Free concert - The Reminisants with Cranberry Lane. (Plymouth)

August 20: Sit out on the patio and enjoy a great local band. (Somerville)

August 20: Oh yum. Taza Chocolate summer shindig. (Somerville)

August 21: Alt electronic and indie pop music come together with Oyinda and Bigfoot Wallace. (Boston)

August 21: Carnaval del Mundo; a puppet theater World Carnival of music, dance, and magic. (Cambridge)

August 21: After work wine and chocolate therapy. (Dedham)

August 21: Ollie & Bianca and their zany music and movement. (Easton)

August 21: Thursday night picnic concert with Entrain. (Ipswich)

August 21: Throwback game night. (Salem)

August 22: Free Friday night fun at the Discovery Museums. (Acton)

August 22: FREE kids performance by Stacey Peasley. (Boston)

August 22: Free admission to the Boston Children’s Museum. (Boston)

August 22: Free admission to the Museum of African American History. (Boston)

August 22: Free admission to the New Bedford Whaling Museum. (New Bedford)

August 22: Free admission to Old Manse, Trustees of Reservations. (Concord)

August 22: Free admission to the Berkshire Museum. (Pittsfield)

August 22: Free admission to the Emily Dickinson Museum. (Amherst)

August 22: Free Friday Flicks at the Hatch Shell: Frozen. (Boston)

August 22: Calling all fairies and gnomes. (Boston)

August 22: Performance by Hooray for Earth. (Boston)

August 22: Aviation day story time. (Cambridge)

August 22: Happy hour yoga in the park. (South Boston)

August 22: Springfield Indie Soul Music, Books and Art Festival. (Springfield)

Image credit: Pixabay.com

Happy Friday everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful week! I'm very, very foggy after another bad night of sleep (we finally took the front rail off Violet's convertible crib...she keeps ending up on the floor...doh) but man, what a beautiful day! And the weather is supposed to be gorgeous this weekend, perfect to allow for plenty of enjoyment of the outdoor options in this 34 event mega-roundup. Enjoy!

1. Super solar energy exploration. (Acton)

2. Family hike at Ashland Town Forest. (Ashland)

3. Free family film festival presents The Lego Movie. (Boston)

4. Time for a brew at the zoo. (Boston)

5. A family jam with Josh and the Jamtones. (Boston)

6. New England’s largest all women’s bike ride and festival. (Boston)

7. If You Dream; an exploration of children who have changed the world. (Boston)

8. Boston GreenFest; multicultural, environmental music festival. (Boston)

9. Explore the historical contents of a mysterious chest. (Boston)

10. Workshop with Tofu Squirrel, Boston monster-maker extraordinaire. (Boston)

11. Swimming against the tide for breast cancer awareness. (Brewster)

12. Regattabar Kids’ Summer Music Series presents Matt Heaton: Toddlerbilly Troubador. (Cambridge)

13. Family folk show with Fox and Branch. (Cambridge)

14. Enjoy some Sunday Parkland Games. (Cambridge)

15. Music at the Manse. (Concord)

16. Corn and tomato festival. (Concord)

17. Duxbury Beach family fun treasure hunt. (Duxbury)

18. Falmouth Road Race. (Falmouth)

19. Gloucester Waterfront Festival. (Gloucester)

20. The spirit of Hudson brewfest. (Hudson)

21. Visit the MAKEmobile traveling creative and tactile experience cart. (Lincoln)

22. The Marshfield Fair. (Marshfield)

23. You’ll have the happiest baby on the block after this workshop. (Newton)

24. Country MusicFest at Wachusett Mountain. (Princeton)

25. Provincetown Jazz Festival. (Provincetown)

26. A festival celebrating the August moon. (Quincy)

27. Salem Jazz and Soul Festival. (Salem)

28. Flashback to the 80’s for retro game night. (Salem)

29. Enjoy the Handmade Arts Market. (Somerville)

30. Watch Beetlejuice on the waterfront. (Somerville)

31. Clowning around for Shriners Hospital. (Southwick)

32. Family nature walk at Prospect Hill Park. (Waltham)

33. Latin American festival. (Worcester)

34. Get up close with birds of prey. (Worcester)

Image credit: Salem Jazz and Soul Festival

Laurel and I have had brief conversations in the past about puberty and how babies are made, but this week, she came to me in earnest with questions and concerns. As a late bloomer, it’s hard for me to imagine that some of Laurel's 9-10 year old peers are already developing but it is, in fact, happening. Which of course is totally normal. We had a great conversation and I subsequently wanted to share 8 tips for talking to kids about puberty because I know these types of talks freak a lot of parents out.

1. Be calm and matter of fact. Even if you are freaking out inside, the best thing you can do to encourage your kid to converse is to be calm and matter of fact, and act like it’s no big deal.

2. Use proper terms. I've always felt that it’s important to use proper anatomical terms right from the beginning. And not just because it used to be cute to hear 2-year-old Violet say “pagina” and “peanuts.” I recommend regular terminology because I feel that using cutesy terms contributes to the sense that it's taboo to talk about puberty and sex and the human body.

3. Stay focused on the question (and gender) at hand. There's a lot of potential subject matter to dive into, and in the interest of being comprehensive (and maybe due to nerves!) you might want to run through it all. But I found that it was really helpful to stay focused on the question hand (be it puberty or how babies are made) and I also found it simpler to just stay focused on female development with Laurel. I wanted her to absorb what we were talking about and it took us quite a bit of time to go through explanations, scenarios, and her questions.

4. Emphasize variability. One of the first things I pointed out (and kept coming back to) was that the age range for puberty is so variable. This is a really important thing to stress because it’s all about comparisons for kids. 

5. Share your own experiences. I recommend sharing whether you hit puberty early or late (or somewhere in the middle) as that may be relevant to your child’s experience. I also talked Laurel through some of my own experiences (mostly missteps!) in response to her questions, which really seemed to help her grasp what was coming down the pike. For example, I shared that I didn’t know how to shave my legs when I first did it (I dry shaved. BAD, PAINFUL IDEA!) and that one time my pad leaked and made a stain on my pants (Laurel astutely suggested that I should have tied a sweatshirt around my waist). We had some good laughs over my missteps, which helped keep the mood light.

6. Run through possible scenarios. We discussed different scenarios -- for example, what to do if you get your period at home, school, or a friend’s house -- and it clearly helped Laurel to have some plans in place.

7. Use literature. Laurel and I had a really great talk but she did ask if I had a book on the subject because a friend has a book. I was thrilled to pull It’s Perfectly Normal off my shelf and we read the puberty chapter together. I love this book so much! Not only is it written in a matter of fact, approachable matter, but I think the realistic line drawings are great (the illustration of what a pad and tampon look like in position to the body was really helpful for Laurel). A friend also recommended The Body Book for Boys, as a lighthearted, positive reference that focuses on changing bodies, moods, and environment (though it doesn't cover much in terms of sex). Jon also made the good suggestion to leave the book sitting around, so that Laurel could pick it up and flip through it on her own if she wanted.

8. Position yourself as the first line of communication. When we finished, I told Laurel that I’d be happy to answer questions any time; that I actually liked talking about this stuff (which is true...I think my next career will be as a sex ed teacher!) and that I’d rather she come to me or Jon with any questions since her friends would probably not have all the answers. We had a good laugh over that one.

I hope these tips are helpful; feel free to share others in the comments! Laurel and I spent so long talking about periods, breast development, and hair growth that we didn't even get to sex, so I suspect I will have further thoughts to share when we get there!

I had some hard conversations at BlogHer '14 with white women who thought the women of color at Voices of the Year were exaggerating their feelings of otherness. It's true, world: White people still think people of color are making this stuff up.

The events of this week in Ferguson, Missouri, once again magnify the truth: My friends of color are not exaggerating. White people may not see it because we are not treated this way, but stigma/skepticism/suspicion is still their reality in 2014. 

We can wish it weren't true. 

We can pretend it isn't true.

Or we can amplify what is true.

We can continue to insist on the education of our white colleagues and friends and strangers about how we intentionally or unintentionally are contributing to the racism problem we have boiling in this country. We can continue to insist on change. If you're confused about what I'm talking about, click here. It's time to share what's being said.

Here are some posts written about race this week that I believe are worth reading. Please amplify them.

• The Ferguson Shooting Has Me Scared for My Son by Janene Davis
• Affected by Karen Walrond
• #IfTheyGunnedMeDown Hashtag Calls Out Media's Portrayal of Black People by Betty Fokker
• Racial Bias, Police Brutality and the Dangerous Act of Being Black by Kristen Howerton

Tonight my friend and colleague Feminista Jones has organized a 90-city National Moment of Silence for Mike Brown. Details are here. The gathering for Kansas City is at the Plaza fountain. Gather at 6 Central, moment of silence is 6:20. Wear red. I would be there but we are headed to a preplanned family reunion tonight. If you can't see things on Facebook, here are the details:

Peaceful vigils honoring the innocent lives lost and pay respect to those whose lives have been affected by police brutality will gather on August 14, 2014 at 7pm EST/4pm PT. Moment of silence will start at the: 20 minute mark.

To identify each other and show solidarity, wear a red ribbon/cloth/bandana on your right arm at the vigils. Do not wear red if in areas where doing so can cause conflict.

This google doc is so we can have a clear view of which states don’t have any vigils already established.

If you have any questions about the event, please ask them at the official facebook page or in the #NMOS14 tag on twitter.

 If you can't be there, share. Onward.

I'm thrilled to share another Local Gems post today (be sure to check out the Arlington Center, Back Bay, Beacon Hill, Easton, Jamaica Plain, Lexington, Medford, Watertown, and Wellesley features)! Today's Huron Village recommendations come from Leah Klein, blogger at Leah's Life, mom to Henry and Isabelle, and Boston Expert for the app and online magazine Mommy Nearest. Thanks for sharing these 15 local gems in Huron Village, Leah!

1. Sarah’s Market & Café. Sarah’s Market is like the kitchen of the neighborhood; it's where everybody gathers and catches up. The early morning crowd includes regulars getting their coffee, parents out for an early morning breakfast with their kids, and various workmen and women, police officers, and firefighters grabbing a hearty breakfast to start their day. Sarah’s Market is half café, half market and they now carry beer and wine as well.

2. Hi-Rise Bread Company. Hi-Rise is a busy neighborhood bakery that offers treats and also dinner options. After 4pm, oven-roasted chickens are ready to be packed to go with gravy, onions, and a choice of a couple of sides. During the day, professors, professionals, and students pop in and out picking up coffee, soup, salads, and sandwiches. Kids will love the hand painted gingerbread cookies, vanilla bean loaf, rich chocolate sandwich cookies, cupcakes, and cream filled cakes.

3. Majestic Yoga. Majestic Yoga is a cozy little yoga studio with classes that let mom and dad hang upside down on straps. They have classes for all levels of yoga and for those who practice different types of yoga as well. The Tuesday afternoon children’s classes are also very popular.

4. Boudreau Branch Library. A sweet little branch of the Cambridge Public Library, the staff at Boudreau is extremely helpful and will gladly encourage little ones to get their own library card, try a new series, or request a book even if they can only remember what the cover looked like. There is a weekly singalong and story time for younger future readers as well.

5. House of Chang. House of Chang is popular for takeout and dine-in; try the dim sum on the weekends! The owners are very nice and they’re happy to talk about menu items and suggest dishes based on what you like, or what they think your children might want to try.

6. Formaggio Kitchen. Formaggio Kitchen is mecca for cheese and charcuterie, but while you are sampling cheeses the kids might have their eyes on the beautiful cookies from Lakota Bakery or the shelf full of penny candy. Formaggio also has soups, sandwiches, salads, and other prepared foods for busy parents who want to eat well but have no time to cook.

7. Magic Beans. Magic Beans is one of the best toy stores in town, offering everything from baby gear to games and toys for your tween’s next birthday party. They also have a display of little toys near the checkout that makes for great party favors.

8. Fresh Pond Market. A true neighborhood market, you can stop at Fresh Pond Market for a bottle of wine and ingredients for dinner, pick up a roasted chicken, or stop in on your walk home from the local park to buy the kids a popsicle.

9. Larch Road Park. Larch Road Park (off of Larch Road) is a great little playground with swings, two climbing structures (suitable for different ages), a basketball court, and two grassy areas.

10. Full Moon Restaurant. A truly kid-friendly spot, Full Moon offers a little play space, buckets of toys that children can bring to the table, and books, not to mention a menu that pleases both little and big palates. Come early for a quiet dinner with the family. Brunch is also very popular so head in early.

11. Marimekko. Though Marimekko is a chain, this little oasis of beauty and color warrants inclusion. Marimekko's classic graphic prints can be found by the yard or on beautiful little trays, mugs, and clothing for kids and adults.

12. Susi’s. This quirky, tiny little shop is a great place to pick up unique, handmade gifts for baby showers or birthday parties. Walking into Susi’s is like opening a treasure chest. Whether you only have time to window shop or pop in quickly, it's worth a stop because you will definitely see things you have never seen before.

13. Crate Escape Too. Whether you have your own four-legged friend or a little dog lover in the family (my kids love seeing the visiting doggies!), Crate Escape Too offers treats and playtime for dogs.

14. Elizabeth Clark Photography. Elizabeth Clark captures beautiful images both in her Huron Village studio and on location at favorite family spots and city landmarks.

15. GrayMist. GrayMist is a boutique full of beautiful things. Not only can you shop for gifts, home decor, and unique jewelry, you can also take classes and learn how to make Nantucket baskets.

Do you have other Huron Village gems you love? Feel free to share in the comments below! And if you want to pen a Local Gems guest post, contact Christine at editor@bostonmamas.com to check on availability.

Image credits: all images via linked websites or associated Facebook pages with the exception of the Marimekko image, which is by Christine Koh